Bill (not real name) is an NLP TimeLine client of mine. His wife had a nervous breakdown and their relationship has been going downhill. His wife has become so infantile and demanding that being in a relationship with her has become intolerable for Bill.
She always liked being in charge, and was very vocal and insistent on things being her way, according to what pleased her. Although she is now so non-functional she is totally dependent on him, Bill has been letting her make her own decisions about how she spends her time and how she conducts her life, which also greatly impacts him. The result has been that she keeps getting worse, and the situation keeps getting increasingly more painful for him.
It finally crystallized for Bill that he should just take charge of everything about her life, telling her what she should do and making all of the decisions for her, as it has become clear she is incapable of making decisions for her own benefit.
He feels he can't really move on with his own life until he's taken care of his responsibilities for her. He's trying to sort out what he's responsible for in relation to her.
Jane: The main challenge you are facing in relation to your wife is how to uphold what is actually in reality for you and in the situation between you, and not being taken over by her emotional instability and craziness. Your difficulty in doing that is what is causing your own stress in the situation, and making it difficult to make decisions about what you should do.
You're feeling responsible for making her happy, or somehow solving her life. You're trying to do that from within her perspective, and trying to convince her of what she should be doing.
But all you can really know is your own experience. Your only guidance for what you should do in relationship to her is to access and follow your own enlightened self-interest.
Enlightened self-interest is self-interest that truly benefits you and that connects you to what is true and real. It's what really matters to you. What really matters to you is a fact. It is not something that can be manufactured or manipulated. Following your enlightened self-interest is not necessarily the easy path or way out. It is very different than selfishness, which avoids what is true, causes separation between people, and is a part of an emotional defense system.
For any relationship to work, each person must be coming from what truly matters to them, or there is no solid foundation for it. Ultimately the only relationship we are in is between ourselves and a larger or Universal Truth. If you try to make up for each other's issues (unconscious, childhood limiting decisions*) to try to make things between you work on the surface, you just get mired in deeper and deeper untruths. This, ultimately, creates impossible situations where there is no way out, which is what you have been finding out.
When you try to effect change between you and your wife by trying to convince her about what she should do for herself or try to get her to change how she relates to you, your life together becomes increasingly more chaotic and out of reality, because she is coming from an irrational internal experience. You are leaning on her to define what is real, rather than coming from your own enlightened self-interest. You have just realized that your enlightened self-interest in this situation is to take over the day-to-day practical life decisions, and do things in a way that makes sense to you and that would actually work for both of you. When you did that you felt better because you weren't leaning on the unreal world she's living in. When you leaned on her and gave up your enlightened self-interest, you spiraled further and further down into that unreal world. But when you follow your enlightened self-interest, you are letting your guidance system guide the situation. It gives you solid ground under your feet.
On a soul level, your wife has made a decision to put herself in the difficult position she is currently in. All you can do is be in reality the best you can in relation to yourself and her.
Follow-up note: Bill's wife did eventually recover from the nervous breakdown, and their relationship is now better than it's ever been. It appears to me that Bill's personal growth (through the NLP TimeLine process) in bringing himself onto solid ground, and holding what is real in place, had a lot to do with his wife's recovery and their much improved relationship.
*Limiting decisions: An NLP term used in NLP TimeLine counseling sessions to mean unconscious decisions, made in early childhood, that are some form of that life doesn't work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you -- such as "I am powerless,""bad,""unlovable;""People can't be trusted," and so on. Limiting decisions are never true. NLP TimeLine counseling sessions facilitate clearing limiting decisions, in order to release the negative patterns in your life that are caused by them. For more information on limiting decisions and NLP TimeLine sessions, go to: http://www.janecohencounseling.com/content/counseling-services
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Author's Bio: Jane Ilene Cohen is an Intuitive & Transformational NLP Counselor, and an NLP & TimeLine Master Practitioner and Hypnotherapist, with a private practice in San Diego North County (Encinitas). She does individual counseling with children and adults (includes the NLP TimeLine Process and hypnosis), works with couples, families and other relationships, and facilitates groups and workshops. She is also the Founder of the "Life is Meant to Work" thought system.
For more about Jane's counseling services, go to www.janecohencounseling.com/content/counseling-services . For a free phone consultation to decide if this is right for you, or to make an appointment, call Jane at (760) 753-0733.