We've been following the life drama between Bill and his wife, Terry (not real names), from the perspective of Bill, who is a client of mine. The relationship had nosedived a number of months ago, when Terry went into a deep depression and started relating to Bill in an increasingly more controlling and infantile manner, becoming completely dependent on him and unable to function in life on her own. This resulted in Terry entering into a month-long residential program, which she just recently came back from. From Bill's perspective, the attributes in Terry that have always made the relationship difficult for him have taken over, leaving none of what attracted him to her in the first place. At the same time, Bill feels reluctant to leave the relationship. He has been struggling with what his responsibilities are toward her and how to cope with this situation. The situation has brought up major emotional triggers in him, sometimes resulting in him losing his temper and being hateful toward her, and often resulting in him feeling deeply unhappy and trapped. During this process Bill has been having NLP TimeLine sessions with me, in which we have been clearing the unconscious, childhood limiting decisions** that have been brought up in him by this situation.
Bill: "How can I stand this situation?"
Jane: I think the real question for you is "What do I need in order to truly be happy in my life?" It's impossible to tell how some situation is supposed to end up being. It could be (which is what you hoped for) that Terry is somehow going to get significantly better, and things will be alright, and life will go back to the way it was. Or it could be you end up being so fed up with Terry, because life is so miserable living with her, that you end up leaving her. But what's actually happening is you are going through a major personal transformation, bringing yourself increasingly more into what truly matters to you (i.e. your enlightened self-interest*), which, so far, doesn't match either of these obvious possibilities.
The form it's currently taking is you realizing that you have been avoiding expanding your world beyond your immediate home life because of limiting decisions** in you. You have been restricting your world to what you know and feel comfortable with, because it gives you a sense of stability and security. This is based on limiting decisions** in you, such as that you are not valuable and you are not acceptable out in the world. You have basically been hiding.
But, your current situation with Terry is pushing you beyond what has felt comfortable and safe for you. Now, in order to be happy you have to expand your world, so your life is not limited to your relationship with her. It is you limiting the scope of your life that has really been causing you to feel trapped, not Terry.
Right now, you moving toward happiness, doesn't require you leaving Terry. Following your enlightened self-interest* is leading you down a path that we couldn't have preconceived of. This shows how irrelevant our preconceptions are about how things are supposed to end up looking. The challenge is being willing to stand in the confusion and discomfort of the unknown until things become clear rather than jumping into an immediate solution, so you can stop dealing with it.
Finding solutions in life requires staying in reality. And in order to stay in reality you have to follow what your enlightened self-interest* is. Limiting decisions** cause you to believe you can't have what you really want, therefore, they block you from accessing your enlightened self-interest*. And so when you come up against a brick wall, blocking what really matters to you, we clear the limiting decision** in you, and then a way forward becomes clear. And as we've seen, what is in your enlightened self-interest* doesn't turn out to be what we thought it would be before the limiting decisions** were cleared. And so you then take the next step, and it's a process of adjusting and changing. It's allowing things to unfold as they do. It's really quite a marvelous process.
(Follow-up note: Terry did eventually break through the debilitating state she had gotten in. And because of the changes Bill made in the process of working through the triggers brought up by this very difficult situation, their relationship is now better than it has ever been.)
Enlightened Self-interest**That which truly matters to you and truly benefits you. It connects you with reality -- as opposed to selfishness, which is an emotional defense system and separates you from other people and reality.
**Limiting decisions: An NLP term used in NLP TimeLine counseling sessions to mean unconscious decisions, made in early childhood, that are some form of that life doesn't work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you -- such as "I am powerless,""bad,""unlovable;""People can't be trusted," and so on. Limiting decisions are never true. NLP TimeLine counseling sessions facilitate clearing limiting decisions, in order to release the negative patterns in your life that are caused by them. For more information on limiting decisions and NLP TimeLine sessions, go to: http://www.janecohencounseling.com/content/counseling-services
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Author's Bio: Jane Ilene Cohen is an Intuitive & Transformational NLP Counselor, and an NLP & TimeLine Master Practitioner and Hypnotherapist, with a private practice in San Diego North County (Encinitas). She does individual counseling with children and adults (includes the NLP TimeLine Process and hypnosis), works with couples, families and other relationships, and facilitates groups and workshops. She is also the Founder of the "Life is Meant to Work" thought system.
For more about Jane's counseling services, go to www.janecohencounseling.com/content/counseling-services . For a free phone consultation to decide if this is right for you, or to make an appointment, call Jane at (760) 753-0733.